no lies, just love

shotgunhomicide @ 2012-03-28T04:53:00

2012-03-28T08:53:29Z

Sometimes, I can't conceive of living like this even one more day. Throw my body in the fire and empty my ashes in the ally. Strip away my dignity until there's nothing left of who I used to be.

shotgunhomicide @ 2011-08-21T21:30:00

2011-08-22T01:30:52Z

Growing apart doesn’t change the fact that for a long time we grew side by side; our roots will always be tangled. I’m glad for that.

shotgunhomicide @ 2011-07-19T00:53:00

2011-07-19T04:53:23Z

I don't feel like I know any of you enough anymore to read your secret thoughts

shotgunhomicide @ 2011-06-18T18:19:00

2011-06-18T22:19:13Z

Do you know what it's like to lose everything? I do.

I swear, the older I get, the least I understand things. I don't understand sickness. I don't understand pain. I don't understand death, and I certainly don't understand life.

2 and a half years.. that's how long it has been since my world turned to shit. One incident after another, and then I realized that everything I thought I knew was a lie. I know I bitch about not being the same person, and I have changed, but deep down i'm still the same person i've always been. I'm just not 18 anymore. I don't see life as this big unexplored territory. Instead, my world is a delicate fabric that can rip and stain very easily. I'm always treading on thin ice in my own head. It takes a nano second for me to explode in anger or tears, and most of the time i'm not certain about which emotion I should be expressing. It just happens and it's impossible to restrain myself from breaking down.

I wish people understood this, and I wish they cared. It's hard for me to want to talk about it anymore, but I feel like my misery is written all over my face when i'm around people that make me feel vulnerable, and that's everyone I used to know. My social contacts consist of a bunch of acquaintances. I have no friends anymore.

I miss you lj.

shotgunhomicide @ 2011-02-04T04:34:00

2011-02-04T09:34:17Z

In this game, there are words I cannot say.

Like if I mean Bill Clinton, I can't say President or United States.
Or if snowball, I can't say winter or fight
Or any other word at the top of my mind -

Unless you say it first.

I must hold the tip of my tongue
And find a way around words,
Tell you about pain, for instance,

By recounting the sadness of the stars on moonless nights
When nothing seemed to move, not even time,

Or I could say empty chairs, unread letters, and
presents that remain unopened in one's hands.

I could tell you, It's when you shut your eyes because it's the only thing
that you can do, the only thing that you have strength for, and then you dream
of mangled bodies falling from the sky and crashing into you.

If I mean pain, I could also take your hand,
Press your fingers into all the holes you made,
Say, This or Here, then tell the tale behind each hollow,
When all I really need to say is your name.

shotgunhomicide @ 2011-01-31T02:58:00

2011-01-31T07:58:07Z

Everything is speeding past me. Most of the people I knew have either moved on from here, or started their own families. Here I am, stuck in time somewhere. I don't really mind. Not today anyways. I'm just trying to figure out if life is passing me by too quickly. Or, like that song says "Life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone.."

shotgunhomicide @ 2010-12-26T03:34:00

2010-12-26T08:34:31Z

today, abby took her first steps. as much as I should be excited, it just depresses me. Don't get me wrong, I love my niece. I'd gladly give my life for her at anytime. Seeing her achieve all of these milestones (crawling, walking, saying her first words, standing up, etc) before she is even 1 just reminds me of how helpless Josh is. It's the christmas season, i've been surrounded by distant relatives and plenty of children that are half his age that can do things he probably never will. I just want those things for him. I want to watch his face light up when he realizes that he can get around on his own. I want him to be able to play with toys that are made for his age group. I want the whole world for him and I can't give him a damn thing.

shotgunhomicide @ 2010-11-23T04:36:00

2010-11-23T09:36:30Z

They will detail their pain in some standard refrain- they will recite their sadness like it's some kind of contest. Well, if it is.. I think I am winning it. All beaming with confidence as I make my final lap. The gold medal gleams, still hanging around my beck. I am deserving of it- the champion of idiots.

shotgunhomicide @ 2010-10-30T01:43:00

2010-10-30T05:43:31Z

I'm obstinate.

I want every moment to be as gorgeous as crayons are.
I want to draw pictures on lovely white sheets of paper;
to paint clumsy freedom, to draw an eye that never weeps;
a sky, a feather and a leaf pertaining to the sky-
to paint green night and pale apple sunrise.

I want to paint portraits of the morning
to draw smiles witnessed by the morning dew.
To draw the freshest, most painless love..
to draw the lover of my mind's eye.

I want to paint distant landscapes;
to draw the clear horizon and the surf
to draw many surging streams
to draw mountains coated with pastel fuzz-
let every trepidation of a quiet spring
mark the birth of a tiny flower.

I want to draw windows all over the earth
To let eyes accustomed to the darkness learn the habit of light.
I want to draw the wind, mountain peaks
Paint the dreams of the people of the East,
To colour in the sea.

And last of all on some stray corner of the sheet;
I want to draw myself, koala bear
perched in a dour forest, on a bough, in a daze
with no home, no heart left behind in a far off land
with only an abundance of dreams
like berries and big doe eyes.

I hope, ponder, but do not know why
no one gives me crayons-
not even a moment of color.
I only have me,
my fingers and my paints.
I can only tear off strip after strip
of lovely clean paper;
to flutter off in search of butterflies
to fade far, far from today.

shotgunhomicide @ 2010-09-16T02:42:00

2010-09-16T06:42:23Z

I remember nothing from eight to ten. except a sensation like someone showing old vampire movies on my body.

shotgunhomicide @ 2010-08-29T03:06:00

2010-08-29T07:06:58Z

Livejournal, one of the many social media applications that I have failed to keep up with these days. No one joins, no one writes, no one cares.

Summer is dwindling to an end. Usually, i'd be sad and content with spending the rest of the days in the pool or doing something outside. These days I don't care much about it. I love the warm weather and I don't look forward to the cold, but is it completely pathetic that i'm more excited about the new fall tv lineup? I'll be able to spend at least one hour of every day engrossed in some television show.... as opposed to taking as many sleeping pills every morning as I think I can without either overdosing or burning out and not sleeping at all. That's the worst thing that happens most of the time. I'm so bored with myself that nothing else makes sense. There's nothing I really want to do; nothing I really want to be. Trips to the store are the worst. Hell, walking through the house to get a pair of socks is the most exercise I get in a day and I look like I could break in half at any moment. Spontaneous combustion sounds more fun.

I wonder what everyone is doing right now? Of course, besides reproducing and getting married. That seems to be the trend among my peers. What do I know though.. My knowledge extends to the end of my facebook feed.

Oh well though. It's better to burn out than to fade away.

shotgunhomicide @ 2010-07-17T00:53:00

2010-07-17T04:53:52Z

I think it's odd how your life unfolds completely backwards. When I was 14 or 15, I wanted so badly to grow up so I could do whatever I wanted and go as I pleased. Now that i'm 20, I find myself longing to be that 15 year old again. Drunk and unconscious in the middle of some party in the middle of the woods. Listening to lucero and swimming in the lake. I'm not sure where that 15 year old went. I left my spirit back in that block of the calender. Too bad we can't flip back and forth through the pages to get to the good parts.

I hate even updating my livejournal anymore, I feel like it's all repetitive. "I hate my life, it sucks, fuck everything, what's the point?" Tonight though, i'm alright. I'm going to curl up and drown out the sound of everything around me and maybe i'll sleep for a little bit.

shotgunhomicide @ 2010-06-26T02:24:00

2010-06-26T06:24:17Z

I write beauty like light in glass,
fleeting and unique. I want to catch
your tears and put a stop to the sadness
that threatens to envelope us
and propel us into obscurity. So kiss my knuckles
while I hold your soul and let us see
what comfort we can give our aching hearts.

I told the world to cry diamonds
because that’s how much pain is worth
and as your eyes drop I catch a gem,
note its radiance, 1.28 carats
f distress resting in my hand like thunder.

I smile into your mouth, my remedy
to your every malady, let my eyes
scream laughter and let my gaze fall
on you. You tilt your head back
and I bow my body down.

I take your fingers in mine and between
us we’re clasping your soul so tightly
it begins to bleed. You say, look how I hurt.

I say, yes, but dear, most wisdom stems from pain.

shotgunhomicide @ 2010-05-19T00:36:00

2010-05-19T04:36:49Z

Sometimes, i'm overwhelmed with how much my life has changed. I literally live alone. I confine myself to my bedroom and rarely contact anyone. All of my good friends have moved on to richmond and I still have some here but they are works in progress. My birthday is in 6 days and all I want is to feel normal (healthy) and to have a good time with some people that aren't going to let me down. That would complete things currently.

shotgunhomicide @ 2010-04-02T20:20:00

2010-04-03T00:20:40Z

Hey, creepy livejournal lurkers. If you've got a problem with me, quit reading my shit OR leave your name. Imagine that.

shotgunhomicide @ 2010-03-30T02:54:00

2010-03-30T06:54:44Z

You've done enough to be saved
But you're gonna miss out
Now you don't know your rights from your wrongs
It's the greatest of love
Now don't say you'll be there and then leave
Or don't mention all the hurt that you've seen
Or don't say he's in love
It's the greatest of love

If we take all these things and we bury them fast
we'll pray that they turn to seeds, to roots and then grass

shotgunhomicide @ 2010-03-12T03:18:00

2010-03-12T08:18:08Z

There has been something that has been weighing so heavily upon my heart today. My cousins ex wife had a 6 year old daughter that passed away with Tay-Sachs disease on tuesday. She was a little girl with so much strength and courage. She touched every person that she met in some way or another. She battled a rare genetic disease that there is no known cure or treatment for. I honestly can't even begin to imagine what her family is going through. I know they've done the same thing for Molly Grace that we have with Josh. They've dedicated their entire lives to making sure she was taken care of and provided for, much like we have with Josh. I would rather die than even begin to imagine not having him in my life. Molly passed a lot of milestones that most children with her disease don't make it to. She truly was a special little girl. I just can't help but try to imagine what my life would be like without my baby. He is my entire world. I don't think I could live without him. Situations such as these remind me of how valueable his time is. I know he could be taken from us at any time and there isn't anything any of us can do to change it. All we can hope for is time. because it is a precious nessecity that none of us have a lot of. I'll continue to cherish every moment I have with him.

If you want to read more about little miss molly, Go to http://www.mollygrace.org and donate to finding a cure for that awful disease that took her away from this world.

shotgunhomicide @ 2010-02-06T17:30:00

2010-02-06T22:30:04Z

I'm counter-productive.

shotgunhomicide @ 2009-10-27T15:59:00

2009-10-27T19:59:32Z

Those who fight monsters should make damn sure they don't become monsters.

shotgunhomicide @ 2009-06-01T13:08:00

2009-06-01T17:09:47Z

For those who don't or didn't know, the night before last, our house in corbin burnt down while we were on vacation.

No one was in the house except for bob and whiskers, and neither of them survived the fire.

We have no idea what the cause of the fire was yet, but the only thing left is a little bit of my bathroom, my bedroom (but the contents are melted and smoke damaged, nothing is salvageable), and my sisters bedroom was virtually untouched.

My car and my dads truck are setting in the drive way, mine is locked and my keys were in the kitchen. Meaning, they are somewhere under the house since the floors of the kitchen have caved in and the den is reduced to nothingnes with a sunroof (meaning, the roof is completely gone) you can see my parents bathroom from the road. As I was saying, not sure exactly what's going on with my car. Especially since all the doors are locked and my keys were inside the house somewhere. I believe the paint is probably fucked all to hell..

We did have insurance on the house. all of the things inside were replaceable except our animals. Fuzzy is okay, he's chilling out up here at dotties. I don't even care about the house or all my shit inside of it. It just breaks my heart knowing my babies died the way they did.. Right now, we're staying up at my grandmas and trying to get a push on the insurance claim, get the damn thing torn down and start all over with our lives.

I don't know how often i'm going to be on here until we find a reliable place to live... but you can contact me on my cell phone (606-521-9135) or via. myspace. but preferably cell phone.

shotgunhomicide @ 2009-04-05T21:21:00

2009-04-06T01:21:47Z

Caterwaul through my lonely heart--I'm calling to a lover that won't be missed. Come July I'm on my own and sitting alone again. Hang the phone up for good and throw it in the river and when they drag the lake, leave her to find the mistake duck-tapped in a plastic bag with a notebook filled with pictures of her and the man with the snake skin boots. You should have known to never trust a man with a gun; you should have known better than to trust me.
Hook me in the bed one more time; keep me tied up and tangled in your frail arms. You were there, I swear, a world away but within arm's length. I felt you, skin on skin, bare bodied and soaked in sweat, screaming at me as if I were God himself, but we both know you'll never meet him. Take my eyes, please, and let me off my knees. Soon enough I'll learn to walk on my father's legs and walk out that locked door.
I would pluck each heartstring from your chest and paste them on the wall with pages from scripture about love and lust if I thought it would make the most beautiful of art. I would scream out open windows at the plethora of people walking by on the street and vomit on each pair of individuals walking alone if I thought it could stop the world from loving themselves. I would construct a dirty bomb out of the feeling of contempt I have for you and everyone like you if I knew that it wouldn't explode in my hands. This is what it feels like, the ripping and failing, the fumbling and falling, to be completely and totally submissive to the urges that make me more like God, but the pain is pleasure and I'm an addict beyond help. No, I'll never understand, and I won't bother searching for a reason to believe in you again.
Write what you reap and reap what you sow, sow the skin that you bear and wipe that fucking smile off your face.

shotgunhomicide @ 2011-03-27T16:44:00

2006-03-27T21:42:50Z

comment to be added :)