Do you know what it's like to lose everything? I do.

I swear, the older I get, the least I understand things. I don't understand sickness. I don't understand pain. I don't understand death, and I certainly don't understand life.

2 and a half years.. that's how long it has been since my world turned to shit. One incident after another, and then I realized that everything I thought I knew was a lie. I know I bitch about not being the same person, and I have changed, but deep down i'm still the same person i've always been. I'm just not 18 anymore. I don't see life as this big unexplored territory. Instead, my world is a delicate fabric that can rip and stain very easily. I'm always treading on thin ice in my own head. It takes a nano second for me to explode in anger or tears, and most of the time i'm not certain about which emotion I should be expressing. It just happens and it's impossible to restrain myself from breaking down.

I wish people understood this, and I wish they cared. It's hard for me to want to talk about it anymore, but I feel like my misery is written all over my face when i'm around people that make me feel vulnerable, and that's everyone I used to know. My social contacts consist of a bunch of acquaintances. I have no friends anymore.

I miss you lj.